Chasing Spaces

Have you ever met someone and automatically wanted to be their friend, or just be in their life in some capacity just off a vibe or talking to them for a short period of time? I definitely have and for that reason I’ve been able to add some incredible people to my life but unfortunately it doesn’t always go the way I thought it would or the intentions behind the friendship weren’t always mutually benefically.

I can positively put my hand up and say that I’ve pursued connections with people initially for what I thought they could add to my life or for the sake of appearance but this ultimately is a waste of time and unfair to you both essentially. I’ve been guilty of trying to get people to fill spaces that only God could/can fill and only sitting with myself and reviewing my life and actions has revealed this.

Chasing space fillers is a dangerous sport because sooner or later the person you thought would be there decides (which they have a right to do) to get up and leave and the connection you thought you had suddenly fades away and you’re left feeling rejected and empty because they’re not standing in the space to cover up the gaps in your life, the gap of loneliness, sadness, etc.

I’ve said all this to say maybe it’s time we re-evaluate our friendships/ connections in life and really look into the motives behind them.

Are you keeping Adam around because he’s one of the only eligible bachelors in your group so you’re hoping that by having him close to you he’ll one day look up and realise you are his long lost wife? Is he filling the space of loneliness?

Are you holding onto Joanne with both hands because she always listens to you and motivates you to be better? But what have you done for her lately to lift her up or show your appreciation? 

We all deserve people in our lives who are the real deal not just filling spaces to make us feel better and the quote unquote ‘fillers’ deserve genuine people who are interested in them as whole people not just the parts you see.

“Spend your time with those who love you unconditionally, not with those who only love you under certain conditions.”
― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

Sidenote: To all those who have been on the receiving end or resonate with being a ‘filler’ firstly, I’d like to thank you for all that you have sown into people’s lives to help them be better and think higher of themselves. My prayer for you is that God will align you with friends that will help reinforce your walls as you help them build theirs.

Much Love

FemaleFrame x

If I could go back I’d say.

As I get older, I tend to reflect on some of my younger days and they flicker between good and not so good memories depending on the day but one I’ve often come back too is the idea of wanting to self harm.

I had a friend in school who had a lot of issues in their personal life and the idea of self harming came up and I began to consider it myself, mind you at that point in my life I hadn’t experienced anything that would make me want to do something like that (not that self harming is an answer to whatever situation we may be going through, if you need help don’t be afraid to ask for it) let alone go through with it but at a young age, in a history lesson as we spoke, the seed was planted.

I bring up this story just to say you never know what thoughts can suddenly take root in your mind and you look up years later wondering how did that get there. It is important to be careful about the people you allow in your space and the type of language they use around you, the words they speak over you are very important (life and death are in the power of the tongue), the older I get the pickier I am about who I spend my time with and how long I spend in their presence because I realised that the more time I spent around negative people the more negatively I began to think and look at things, before you know it I’ve become someone else simply by opening yourself up to the wrong company.

In some situations i.e. work, school it can be hard to separate yourself from individuals who tend to always bring the mood down or suggest negative solutions don’t get me wrong it can be good to have a little moan with colleagues, classmate and friends when things have gone a rye but in that I would encourage you to also be the light you want to see, speak positivity in the face of negative situations, don’t part take in conversation that will only bring you down. If after some self examination you find you are the one always bringing the tone down and never have a nice word to say, I would challenge you today to start speaking positively over yourself and over everything around you from today and watch your mindset.

If I could go back, I would have shifted the conversation and encourage my friend to seek the help they needed or at least speak about how they were feeling but I pray that they are in a better space today surrounded by love, joy and peace. I pray this for you too as you read this that you will be the change you want to see in every area of your life.

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Norman Vincent Peale

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” 
Maya Angelou

Much Love

FemaleFrame x

Friendship Evolved

Hey ladies hope you’re all well and enjoying your year so far, I can’t believe we’re half way through it already, but thank God we’ve made it to this point.

Throughout this year (so far) I’ve been on a journey to trying to be a good/better friend. Now, that seems like an easy enough thing to do, show up for them, remember their birthday and be nice. Sounds simple enough right? No! So if you haven’t already been listening to his sermons (where have you been?) Pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church alongside Pastor Charles Metcalf produced a series on friendship called Inner Circle (Click to watch) after which I realised I was lacking in certain areas and could always do better in others.

As a result of this I’ve attempted to be more:

1. Transparent – if they really are your friend then they already know that you haven’t got it all together or at least they should (insert emoji eyes) transparency invites openess and a greater level of trust I’d say.

2. Receptive to correction – (I know that time your friend called you out just popped into your mind). Proverbs 27:5-6 reads 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. 

The key I’ve found to being able to receive correction from friends is remembering to check the heart behind what they’ve addressed, are they really trying to see you be better or just provoke a reaction out of you or bring you down. Proceeding this always try and make sure that you’re responding from a place of love. At the end of the day you can’t control other people’s actions but you can dictate your own.

3. Manage each others expectations – If I don’t know I can’t do. Actively asking your friends what it is they want/would like from you and how you can best meet that expectation

        i.e. Please call me more often Outcome – Scheduling in time if necessary to speak with them during the week, setting reminders if needed.

4. Checking In – Just because you think they’re okay doesn’t mean they are, if they come to mind reach out to them.

Are you okay? How did the interview go? You alright for money?

5. Accountability- Asking the tough questions and offering support

Did you finish that script? Did you speak to Sarah about how she made you feel? Go on the sooner you do it the sooner you can resolve the issue.

6. Love

7. Trust

I could go on but the moral of the story is, invest in good friendships and make sure they’re investing in you in return. Pray, grow and slay together in a healthy, encouraging and positive environment.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

Much Love

FF x