Hey guys, I just wanted to creep through the back door of January and wish you all happy new year before the unspoken expiry date.
New content is on it’s way. Bare with me.
Hey guys, I just wanted to creep through the back door of January and wish you all happy new year before the unspoken expiry date.
New content is on it’s way. Bare with me.
Have you ever met someone and automatically wanted to be their friend, or just be in their life in some capacity just off a vibe or talking to them for a short period of time? I definitely have and for that reason I’ve been able to add some incredible people to my life but unfortunately it doesn’t always go the way I thought it would or the intentions behind the friendship weren’t always mutually benefically.
I can positively put my hand up and say that I’ve pursued connections with people initially for what I thought they could add to my life or for the sake of appearance but this ultimately is a waste of time and unfair to you both essentially. I’ve been guilty of trying to get people to fill spaces that only God could/can fill and only sitting with myself and reviewing my life and actions has revealed this.
Chasing space fillers is a dangerous sport because sooner or later the person you thought would be there decides (which they have a right to do) to get up and leave and the connection you thought you had suddenly fades away and you’re left feeling rejected and empty because they’re not standing in the space to cover up the gaps in your life, the gap of loneliness, sadness, etc.
I’ve said all this to say maybe it’s time we re-evaluate our friendships/ connections in life and really look into the motives behind them.
Are you keeping Adam around because he’s one of the only eligible bachelors in your group so you’re hoping that by having him close to you he’ll one day look up and realise you are his long lost wife? Is he filling the space of loneliness?
Are you holding onto Joanne with both hands because she always listens to you and motivates you to be better? But what have you done for her lately to lift her up or show your appreciation?
We all deserve people in our lives who are the real deal not just filling spaces to make us feel better and the quote unquote ‘fillers’ deserve genuine people who are interested in them as whole people not just the parts you see.
“Spend your time with those who love you unconditionally, not with those who only love you under certain conditions.”
― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem
Sidenote: To all those who have been on the receiving end or resonate with being a ‘filler’ firstly, I’d like to thank you for all that you have sown into people’s lives to help them be better and think higher of themselves. My prayer for you is that God will align you with friends that will help reinforce your walls as you help them build theirs.
Me, myself and I make up one great me. I’m beginning to learn this the more time I spend being on my own.
Recently I’ve become more aware of my tendencies to want to shut the world out and just be alone and upon reflection I’ve been this way inclined for quite a few years. Lately the act of stepping out or rather stepping away and actually retreating from the crowd (friendship groups, family) can be quite daunting especially when you feel the unconscious pull to be and stay with the crowd or they might think something is wrong (thanks for checking though), having to entertain awkward conversations when the introvert inside is cringing. Sometimes I just want to be on my own, is that so bad, to take a minute to chill and process my ever evolving thoughts.
I’ve never been in the position where I don’t like being in my own company because when I wake up I’m me and when I go to sleep I’m still me, no one will ever spend as much time with me as I do (I hope you followed that lol). If you do find yourself in the position where you feel awkward or antsy being alone I’d suggest taking small concerted efforts to practice moments of alone time whether you’re reading, meditating on the word, praying or just sitting and processing one part of your life at a time (don’t try and tackle everything all at once, trust me) just give it a go. Left to my own devises, I could easily eat a bowl of cereal, find a comfy spot and read happily for hours.
If you feel as though you are just an anti social, introvert and you’re to the point where it is hurting your relationships then maybe it’s time to start looking into some tips or steps on how to overcome this or maybe open up to your friends/ family just to let them know you might find it a bit difficult so they don’t feel as if you’re ignoring them or that you don’t care. If people know how to help then they will (hopefully).
In conclusion, I like my alone time, I also like to be around people. When I go off on my own 8/10 I’m just in full introvert mode lol and loving it.
“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.”
Disclaimer 1: It’s not that I don’t want to be around you or enjoy my time with you I just enjoy being on my own from time to time or prefer smaller groups of people.
Disclaimer 2: Sometimes this can go too far and I have to make special efforts to be social and I am aware of this. If I message you or make plans to hang out with you, feel the love. If not then you’re pending don’t feel no way.
As I get older, I tend to reflect on some of my younger days and they flicker between good and not so good memories depending on the day but one I’ve often come back too is the idea of wanting to self harm.
I had a friend in school who had a lot of issues in their personal life and the idea of self harming came up and I began to consider it myself, mind you at that point in my life I hadn’t experienced anything that would make me want to do something like that (not that self harming is an answer to whatever situation we may be going through, if you need help don’t be afraid to ask for it) let alone go through with it but at a young age, in a history lesson as we spoke, the seed was planted.
I bring up this story just to say you never know what thoughts can suddenly take root in your mind and you look up years later wondering how did that get there. It is important to be careful about the people you allow in your space and the type of language they use around you, the words they speak over you are very important (life and death are in the power of the tongue), the older I get the pickier I am about who I spend my time with and how long I spend in their presence because I realised that the more time I spent around negative people the more negatively I began to think and look at things, before you know it I’ve become someone else simply by opening yourself up to the wrong company.
In some situations i.e. work, school it can be hard to separate yourself from individuals who tend to always bring the mood down or suggest negative solutions don’t get me wrong it can be good to have a little moan with colleagues, classmate and friends when things have gone a rye but in that I would encourage you to also be the light you want to see, speak positivity in the face of negative situations, don’t part take in conversation that will only bring you down. If after some self examination you find you are the one always bringing the tone down and never have a nice word to say, I would challenge you today to start speaking positively over yourself and over everything around you from today and watch your mindset.
If I could go back, I would have shifted the conversation and encourage my friend to seek the help they needed or at least speak about how they were feeling but I pray that they are in a better space today surrounded by love, joy and peace. I pray this for you too as you read this that you will be the change you want to see in every area of your life.
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
Normally I’d dive right in but today I going to start off with a quote from an interview I watched via Youtube on the As/Is channel.
“At the end of the day I’m living with me, 24hrs a day, 7 days a week and I have to be happy with me” Jazzmyne
What You Don’t Know About Jazzmyne
In my last few posts I’d say the overarching theme has been the betterment of one’s self either via friendships, relationships in general or letting go of our (sometimes) innate people pleasing mentality in an effort to go, do and be great. Simply put lol.
I believe you cannot achieve true meaningful successor greatness by being less than 100% authentic to yourself and your beliefs. Those awards you’ve just accepted might as well read Becky Thomson rather than (insert own name here) if all the hard work you’ve put in to be ‘recognised’ backfires and you’re stuck living your life striving to live up to this imaginary persona you’ve invited everyone to believe is you.
Authentic – of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine.
Being authentic to me means letting people see the real you, good, bad, ugly and in-between and not circuming to the pressure of conforming and ultimately making yourself uncomfortable to fit the box you were never meant to be in.
Did you know that when you were born you (yes you person reading this post, HI!) automatically qualified to be the only you in the entire world, isn’t that something. Take a moment and embrace that.
You might be a twin, quadruplet, quintuplet etc but even within that God created you specifically to impact the world in your own unique way. Just picture it this way, I can only get to where I’m supposed to be by being me, improving where I can, learning all I can and shining like the star that I am.
Short and sweet today but I hope this hits home for someone.
Lately I’ve been struggling with the concept of man’s approval vs God’s approval, I know what you’re thinking, GOD’S WAY OR THE HIGHWAY MY FRIEND! (side note: I agree lol) but I have to admit it’s not as easy as that. Let me explain…
Growing up seeking approval was a constant thing, ‘Did I do good?’, ‘Does this look good?’, ‘Do you like me?’ as humans we’ve been conditioned to look for validation and to get it wherever and whenever we can. I’ve found this can sometimes have a crippling effect on myself and others, not wanting to do or say anything in the fear that we won’t receive the accolades we’ve been striving for when in reality you deserve all the accolades…yes, you do.
The innate desire we have to please can eclipse our desire to please God and do what he’s called us to do. As a result of the constant battle between trying to make your partner, friend, boss or relative happy (which you can never really do because only you are responsible for your own happiness. Make a decision today to make yourself happy first) or comfortable because we’ve done what they wanted for a temporary hand clap or cheer at the expense of doing whatever it is that God has planted in us to do and making him happy.
I also considered the word desire and that connotes a state of being wanted and or accepted which are valid emotions to have but not at the expense of your self worth being exploited or putting yourself in compromising positions in pursuit of temporary gratification or having that feeling validated, trust me it never ends well.
I’ve said all that to say, pursue God and his desires for your life which are good and not evil, he genuinely wants you to prosper and live well rather than living for your next hand clap or ‘like’. It’s time to go, do and be great, letting go of the weigh of ‘Will they get it?’,’Will they come?’ etc the people who are meant to get it will and they’ll support because you finally stepped out and did what they’ve been waiting for someone to do with or without the accolades, validation, acceptance etc…just do it.
“The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.”
― Mohadesa Najumi
Hey ladies hope you’re all well and enjoying your year so far, I can’t believe we’re half way through it already, but thank God we’ve made it to this point.
Throughout this year (so far) I’ve been on a journey to trying to be a good/better friend. Now, that seems like an easy enough thing to do, show up for them, remember their birthday and be nice. Sounds simple enough right? No! So if you haven’t already been listening to his sermons (where have you been?) Pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church alongside Pastor Charles Metcalf produced a series on friendship called Inner Circle (Click to watch) after which I realised I was lacking in certain areas and could always do better in others.
As a result of this I’ve attempted to be more:
1. Transparent – if they really are your friend then they already know that you haven’t got it all together or at least they should (insert emoji eyes) transparency invites openess and a greater level of trust I’d say.
2. Receptive to correction – (I know that time your friend called you out just popped into your mind). Proverbs 27:5-6 reads 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
The key I’ve found to being able to receive correction from friends is remembering to check the heart behind what they’ve addressed, are they really trying to see you be better or just provoke a reaction out of you or bring you down. Proceeding this always try and make sure that you’re responding from a place of love. At the end of the day you can’t control other people’s actions but you can dictate your own.
3. Manage each others expectations – If I don’t know I can’t do. Actively asking your friends what it is they want/would like from you and how you can best meet that expectation
i.e. Please call me more often Outcome – Scheduling in time if necessary to speak with them during the week, setting reminders if needed.
4. Checking In – Just because you think they’re okay doesn’t mean they are, if they come to mind reach out to them.
Are you okay? How did the interview go? You alright for money?
5. Accountability- Asking the tough questions and offering support
Did you finish that script? Did you speak to Sarah about how she made you feel? Go on the sooner you do it the sooner you can resolve the issue.
I could go on but the moral of the story is, invest in good friendships and make sure they’re investing in you in return. Pray, grow and slay together in a healthy, encouraging and positive environment.
“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
Insert church finger here > Sooo sorry guys, it’s been a minute since I’ve posted but I hope you’ve all been well and enjoying the part time summer we’ve been experiencing lately.
To be honest it’s been a struggle to get myself to sit and just write so I’m happy that I’ve finally managed to make it happen hence why this post is entitled Le Struggle.
How many days have I shouted at myself in my mind to be proactive, write that post, call that person, schedule that appointment, spend that quality time with God and I have to say most days it’s a struggle. I always end up on Youtube (watching christmas movies in May), sleeping or finding something else to distract me from doing what I need to do. But why is that you ask? Well, most days I know the answers and it’s just fear, plain and simple (insert S Club 7 song) fear of failure, doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, being rejected all of that good stuff.
As I ponder on the many reasons why I shouldn’t do, say or write in this case I remember that God has not given me the spirit of fear but of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND MIND!! Sometimes I really have to be reminded and give myself a good talking too because guess what the struggle is real. I have to remind myself that if I don’t do what God has placed in me to do then that would be a wasted life and that I’m not in competition with ANYONE, my lane is free and clear I just need to run in it. There are so many things geared at trying to convince us we can’t do something we need to CLING to that which is good i.e. the word of God speaking life into us.
So, this is a short post but a much needed one just to put something out there and not let the negative thoughts of failure and not being good enough over rule my desire to try and put my best foot forward one step at a time and hopefully encouraging someone else to do the same.
2 Timothy 1:7 New Living Translation
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Let’s build the perfect man.
In the theme of the month, I thought it would be fun to build the perfect man. Yes, yes let’s start.
He has to be tall, muscular, fresh hair cuts on a regular, high paying job so he can treat us to shopping trips (yes plural) and this one’s the major key, he has to be a man of God, lead by faith and not by sight as the good book says, oh and be able to offer emotional support, a great listener, kind, considerate, you know the basics and make me laugh (crucial).
Sounding good so far ladies? I hope that’s a yes, because if indeed such a man did exist and he was mine I’d be a very happy lady and I can tell you that for free. But just a quick question, if such a perfect specimen did exist, what is it that you will be bringing to the table? Are you at the gym 3/4 days a week, staying at your hair dresser just to make sure your hair stays laid, hustling to climb the career ladder and get the schmoney to treat him to a shopping trip or some (yes plural) dope trainers? In addition, let us not forget the major key, are you a woman of God, lead by faith and not sight? If that’s you then I hope you and your Morris are very happy together however, if this isn’t you then sorry to burst your bubble ladies.
If like myself you think about the gym more than you visit it and the rest, well you’re still waiting on all that to come together, welcome to the club.
The reason I bring this up is simply because I believe that at times we as females place unrealistic expectations on men and warrant that they tick all the above boxes before even entertaining a conversation with a potential suitor, or we get caught up talking with our female friends and end up following wrong advice in regards to the opposite sex when we ourselves don’t meet the criteria we’ve so meticulously laid out. Listen, by no means am I saying that you shouldn’t have high standards but can we be realistic, or at least strive to be the type of person we want to meet, so when and if we do meet them we won’t be looking for what we already posses within ourselves, a healthy, spirit led, ambitious, caring and overall well rounded person.
‘The wisest thing you can do is be the fullest, happiest version of you. And that means some consistent, unabashed self-lovin’. It will also inspire others to treat themselves better too.’ Susie Moore
Okay some maybe this post is a tiny bit late but I know you guys won’t mind.
WELCOME TO 2018 EVERYONE! Lol there I’ve said it.
So, I honestly feel like 2018 has so much in store for us, so many idea from 2017 that need to get some legs this year, so many relationship that need to come to an end or go to the next level this year ( whichever one just came to mind is definitely the one you need to be addressing as soon as possible) and so many opportunities we need to utilise.
This is just the beginning of the year, I can’t wait to see what we all accomplish this year.
Get it get it, hey hey.
“Most times, the way isn’t clear, but you want to start anyway. It is in starting with the first step that other steps become clearer.”
― Israelmore Ayivor, Leaders’ Frontpage: Leadership Insights from 21 Martin Luther King Jr. Thoughts