Chasing Spaces

Have you ever met someone and automatically wanted to be their friend, or just be in their life in some capacity just off a vibe or talking to them for a short period of time? I definitely have and for that reason I’ve been able to add some incredible people to my life but unfortunately it doesn’t always go the way I thought it would or the intentions behind the friendship weren’t always mutually benefically.

I can positively put my hand up and say that I’ve pursued connections with people initially for what I thought they could add to my life or for the sake of appearance but this ultimately is a waste of time and unfair to you both essentially. I’ve been guilty of trying to get people to fill spaces that only God could/can fill and only sitting with myself and reviewing my life and actions has revealed this.

Chasing space fillers is a dangerous sport because sooner or later the person you thought would be there decides (which they have a right to do) to get up and leave and the connection you thought you had suddenly fades away and you’re left feeling rejected and empty because they’re not standing in the space to cover up the gaps in your life, the gap of loneliness, sadness, etc.

I’ve said all this to say maybe it’s time we re-evaluate our friendships/ connections in life and really look into the motives behind them.

Are you keeping Adam around because he’s one of the only eligible bachelors in your group so you’re hoping that by having him close to you he’ll one day look up and realise you are his long lost wife? Is he filling the space of loneliness?

Are you holding onto Joanne with both hands because she always listens to you and motivates you to be better? But what have you done for her lately to lift her up or show your appreciation? 

We all deserve people in our lives who are the real deal not just filling spaces to make us feel better and the quote unquote ‘fillers’ deserve genuine people who are interested in them as whole people not just the parts you see.

“Spend your time with those who love you unconditionally, not with those who only love you under certain conditions.”
― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

Sidenote: To all those who have been on the receiving end or resonate with being a ‘filler’ firstly, I’d like to thank you for all that you have sown into people’s lives to help them be better and think higher of themselves. My prayer for you is that God will align you with friends that will help reinforce your walls as you help them build theirs.

Much Love

FemaleFrame x

Thinking Out Loud

Me, myself and I make up one great me. I’m beginning to learn this the more time I spend being on my own.

Recently I’ve become more aware of my tendencies to want to shut the world out and just be alone and upon reflection I’ve been this way inclined for quite a few years. Lately the act of stepping out or rather stepping away and actually retreating from the crowd (friendship groups, family) can be quite daunting especially when you feel the unconscious pull to be and stay with the crowd or they might think something is wrong (thanks for checking though), having to entertain awkward conversations when the introvert inside is cringing. Sometimes I just want to be on my own, is that so bad, to take a minute to chill and process my ever evolving thoughts.

I’ve never been in the position where I don’t like being in my own company because when I wake up I’m me and when I go to sleep I’m still me, no one will ever spend as much time with me as I do (I hope you followed that lol). If you do find yourself in the position where you feel awkward or antsy being alone I’d suggest taking small concerted efforts to  practice moments of alone time whether you’re reading, meditating on the word, praying or just sitting and processing one part of your life at a time (don’t try and tackle everything all at once, trust me) just give it a go. Left to my own devises, I could easily eat a bowl of cereal, find a comfy spot and read happily for hours.

If you feel as though you are just an anti social, introvert and you’re to the point where it is hurting your relationships then maybe it’s time to start looking into some tips or steps on how to overcome this or maybe open up to your friends/ family just to let them know you might find it a bit difficult so they don’t feel as if you’re ignoring them or that you don’t care. If people know how to help then they will (hopefully).

In conclusion, I like my alone time, I also like to be around people. When I go off on my own 8/10 I’m just in full introvert mode lol and loving it.

“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.”

Ellen Burstyn

Disclaimer 1: It’s not that I don’t want to be around you or enjoy my time with you I just enjoy being on my own from time to time or prefer smaller groups of people.

Disclaimer 2: Sometimes this can go too far and I have to make special efforts to be social and I am aware of this. If I message you or make plans to hang out with you, feel the love. If not then you’re pending don’t feel no way.

Much Love

FemaleFrame x

If I could go back I’d say.

As I get older, I tend to reflect on some of my younger days and they flicker between good and not so good memories depending on the day but one I’ve often come back too is the idea of wanting to self harm.

I had a friend in school who had a lot of issues in their personal life and the idea of self harming came up and I began to consider it myself, mind you at that point in my life I hadn’t experienced anything that would make me want to do something like that (not that self harming is an answer to whatever situation we may be going through, if you need help don’t be afraid to ask for it) let alone go through with it but at a young age, in a history lesson as we spoke, the seed was planted.

I bring up this story just to say you never know what thoughts can suddenly take root in your mind and you look up years later wondering how did that get there. It is important to be careful about the people you allow in your space and the type of language they use around you, the words they speak over you are very important (life and death are in the power of the tongue), the older I get the pickier I am about who I spend my time with and how long I spend in their presence because I realised that the more time I spent around negative people the more negatively I began to think and look at things, before you know it I’ve become someone else simply by opening yourself up to the wrong company.

In some situations i.e. work, school it can be hard to separate yourself from individuals who tend to always bring the mood down or suggest negative solutions don’t get me wrong it can be good to have a little moan with colleagues, classmate and friends when things have gone a rye but in that I would encourage you to also be the light you want to see, speak positivity in the face of negative situations, don’t part take in conversation that will only bring you down. If after some self examination you find you are the one always bringing the tone down and never have a nice word to say, I would challenge you today to start speaking positively over yourself and over everything around you from today and watch your mindset.

If I could go back, I would have shifted the conversation and encourage my friend to seek the help they needed or at least speak about how they were feeling but I pray that they are in a better space today surrounded by love, joy and peace. I pray this for you too as you read this that you will be the change you want to see in every area of your life.

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Norman Vincent Peale

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” 
Maya Angelou

Much Love

FemaleFrame x

Desiring Man

Lately I’ve been struggling with the concept of man’s approval vs God’s approval, I know what you’re thinking, GOD’S WAY OR THE HIGHWAY MY FRIEND! (side note: I agree lol) but I have to admit it’s not as easy as that. Let me explain…

Growing up seeking approval was a constant thing, ‘Did I do good?’, ‘Does this look good?’, ‘Do you like me?’ as humans we’ve been conditioned to look for validation and to get it wherever and whenever we can. I’ve found this can sometimes have a crippling effect on myself and others, not wanting to do or say anything in the fear that we won’t receive the accolades we’ve been striving for when in reality you deserve all the accolades…yes, you do.

The innate desire we have to please can eclipse our desire to please God and do what he’s called us to do. As a result of the constant battle between trying to make your partner, friend, boss or relative happy (which you can never really do because only you are responsible for your own happiness. Make a decision today to make yourself happy first) or comfortable because we’ve done what they wanted for a temporary hand clap or cheer at the expense of doing whatever it is that God has planted in us to do and making him happy.

I also considered the word desire and that connotes a state of being wanted and or accepted which are valid emotions to have but not at the expense of your self worth being exploited or putting yourself in compromising positions in pursuit of temporary gratification or having that feeling validated, trust me it never ends well.

I’ve said all that to say, pursue God and his desires for your life which are good and not evil, he genuinely wants you to prosper and live well rather than living for your next hand clap or ‘like’. It’s time to go, do and be great, letting go of the weigh of ‘Will they get it?’,’Will they come?’ etc the people who are meant to get it will and they’ll support because you finally stepped out and did what they’ve been waiting for someone to do with or without the accolades, validation, acceptance etc…just do it.

“The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.”
― Mohadesa Najumi

Much Love

FF x

Friendship Evolved

Hey ladies hope you’re all well and enjoying your year so far, I can’t believe we’re half way through it already, but thank God we’ve made it to this point.

Throughout this year (so far) I’ve been on a journey to trying to be a good/better friend. Now, that seems like an easy enough thing to do, show up for them, remember their birthday and be nice. Sounds simple enough right? No! So if you haven’t already been listening to his sermons (where have you been?) Pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church alongside Pastor Charles Metcalf produced a series on friendship called Inner Circle (Click to watch) after which I realised I was lacking in certain areas and could always do better in others.

As a result of this I’ve attempted to be more:

1. Transparent – if they really are your friend then they already know that you haven’t got it all together or at least they should (insert emoji eyes) transparency invites openess and a greater level of trust I’d say.

2. Receptive to correction – (I know that time your friend called you out just popped into your mind). Proverbs 27:5-6 reads 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. 

The key I’ve found to being able to receive correction from friends is remembering to check the heart behind what they’ve addressed, are they really trying to see you be better or just provoke a reaction out of you or bring you down. Proceeding this always try and make sure that you’re responding from a place of love. At the end of the day you can’t control other people’s actions but you can dictate your own.

3. Manage each others expectations – If I don’t know I can’t do. Actively asking your friends what it is they want/would like from you and how you can best meet that expectation

        i.e. Please call me more often Outcome – Scheduling in time if necessary to speak with them during the week, setting reminders if needed.

4. Checking In – Just because you think they’re okay doesn’t mean they are, if they come to mind reach out to them.

Are you okay? How did the interview go? You alright for money?

5. Accountability- Asking the tough questions and offering support

Did you finish that script? Did you speak to Sarah about how she made you feel? Go on the sooner you do it the sooner you can resolve the issue.

6. Love

7. Trust

I could go on but the moral of the story is, invest in good friendships and make sure they’re investing in you in return. Pray, grow and slay together in a healthy, encouraging and positive environment.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

Much Love

FF x

Build a Bear

Let’s build the perfect man.

In the theme of the month, I thought it would be fun to build the perfect man. Yes, yes let’s start.

He has to be tall, muscular, fresh hair cuts on a regular, high paying job so he can treat us to shopping trips (yes plural) and this one’s the major key, he has to be a man of God, lead by faith and not by sight as the good book says, oh and be able to offer emotional support, a great listener, kind, considerate, you know the basics and make me laugh (crucial).

Sounding good so far ladies? I hope that’s a yes, because if indeed such a man did exist and he was mine I’d be a very happy lady and I can tell you that for free. But just a quick question, if such a perfect specimen did exist, what is it that you will be bringing to the table? Are you at the gym 3/4 days a week, staying at your hair dresser just to make sure your hair stays laid, hustling to climb the career ladder and get the schmoney to treat him to a shopping trip or some (yes plural) dope trainers? In addition, let us not forget the major key, are you a woman of God, lead by faith and not sight? If that’s you then I hope you and your Morris are very happy together however, if this isn’t you then sorry to burst your bubble ladies.

If like myself you think about the gym more than you visit it and the rest, well you’re still waiting on all that to come together, welcome to the club.

The reason I bring this up is simply because I believe that at times we as females place unrealistic expectations on men and warrant that they tick all the above boxes before even entertaining a conversation with a potential suitor, or we get caught up talking with our female friends and end up following wrong advice in regards to the opposite sex when we ourselves don’t meet the criteria we’ve so meticulously laid out. Listen, by no means am I saying that you shouldn’t have high standards but can we be realistic, or at least strive to be the type of person we want to meet, so when and if we do meet them we won’t be looking for what we already posses within ourselves, a healthy, spirit led, ambitious, caring and overall well rounded person.

‘The wisest thing you can do is be the fullest, happiest version of you. And that means some consistent, unabashed self-lovin’. It will also inspire others to treat themselves better too.’ Susie Moore

Much Love

FemaleFrame x

Can We Talk?

Yes, I know we’ve barely settled into 2018 and it’s already time to have a talk but, I have to be honest…I feel threatened.

Threaten – Cause someone or something to be vulnerable or at risk

So, like I said I feel threatened, vulnerable, at risk even of being exposed, it’s so bright and shiny and big and all consuming, I think anyone would be.

She’s chasing her dreams, making it happen and it looks so much like what I want to do but have been too afraid to step into, so now when I do it everyone is going to think I copied her omg! Why does she have to be so great!

I think we’ve all felt a version of this at one point or another (maybe not as polite or politically correct as I’ve phrased it lol), feelings of insignificance or insecurity, seeing someone else shining doing what they know they were born to do, which so happens to be in the same area we are feeling led to go into. “How can I compete with her? She’s already got a 100k followers and I’m still here struggling to make my page look aesthetically pleasing like she does” or “She’s written like 5 songs in a week and I’m still here trying to string together a sentence!!” ORRRR “Why did he choose her I mean I’m cute too!”

How did I get here? and why do I feel this negatively about my fellow sister succeeding? I propose that it is an issue of comparison stealing your joy in what should (scratch that) in what is a happy moment, all because of that small voice inside that says “I should have done it first!”, “I would have done it differently” Well guess what you didn’t, so stop your hating and be happy for her, don’t you see her doing it up BIG, shining and slaying at the same time, be happy for her damn it! And back to that man envy statement I mention earlier we need to stop that too but happy for them that they’re both gonna shine together and make some shiny babies COME ON!!! We all need to check ourselves from time to time.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the negative that we don’t take time to uplift, celebrate and encourage each other as females. Just because she’s started her own business or gotten into a relationship doesn’t then discount you or me from entering the race, if anything she’s opened the door a little wider for us and she also showing us it’s possible to find a good man. I say this to say it’s all about perspective, choose to be the sister that puts a spotlight on the sun rather than trying to put it out.

Deep down a part of me was comfortable when we were both on the same level so to see you step out and do what I so badly want to do was a blow to my self esteem. I want us all to be big and bright and shiny together, striving to tap into that God given thing placed inside all of us to be able impact this world. I’m excited for you and this new chapter in your lives. Here’s to shiny ventures and new loves.

“Peter must have thought, “Who am I compared to Mr. Faithfulness (John)?” But Jesus clarified the issue. John was responsible for John. Peter was responsible for Peter. And each had only one command to heed: “Follow Me.” (John 21:20-22)”
― Charles R. Swindoll

Much Love

FemaleFrame x

Buy Me Flowers!

Yes! I want hearts, flowers and all the nice things I see people in relationships with like the hand holding, going to the movies, buying each other gifts. HEY! Buy Me Flowers!!!

That’s all well and good but have you ever thought to buy yourself a bouquet or just get dressed and going to see that film you’ve been waiting to see. Don’t wait for that elusive perfect partner to arrive stage right to make yourself feel special. How did I come to this realisation you ask? Well…

One day as I scrolled through Instagram (as you do) I came across a picture of a beautiful lady holding a bunch of flowers, so I tapped the image and read the caption. To paraphrase, in an attempt to try and make herself feel good she bought herself some flowers and loved the reality of waking up to the sight and smell of flowers made her feel. This then led me to think, ‘Why am I waiting for someone else to give me ‘hearts and flowers’ ? or whatever that maybe for you, I mean I have a job that pays me (it would be a shame if it didn’t lol) why can’t I make it happen for myself.

This is not to discredit those special moments within the context of a relationship but what if I never experience that should I miss out on my flowers?

So to end this post I challenge you to do something whether it’s getting dressed up and taking yourself out, buying your favourite flowers or just spending some quiet time alone, make sure you do something that will make YOU feel good about YOU!

“The challenge is not to be perfect…it’s to be whole.”

– Jane Fonda

Much Love

FemaleFrame x